I Danced

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Last Saturday morning, I walked with a family as they said goodbye to their baby. My heart ached for them as we created some tangible memories. I carried them with me…pieces of their pain, forever woven into the fabric of my heart. Every time I wash a tiny baby foot, the humbling privilege of washing feet, as mentioned in scripture, washes over me. How our Jesus values every single life.

As I left in the van, the tears I carefully held back dripped down my face. I watched them holding hands, entering a world without their baby. I felt the ripping raw pain as I drove. Their pain. My pain. The pain of thousands of other parents who once walked out that door into a completely different world.

Life was waiting for me at home.

My son’s band was playing at the Corn City Festival, and our house would be filled with guests. Soon the combination of music and being surrounded by people I love, lifted my heart a bit. I thought of Angie Smith’s famous words, “Life is a sacred dance of grief and joy.” Yes. Yes it is. There’s so much grief carried in this tattered heart of mine.

But…there is also joy. And, sometimes, these tired feet just have to dance.

I danced most of the night, thanks to friends and my darling kitchen boys. I danced with every one of them. At first, I felt a little self-conscious. I’ve never been heavier or older than I am right now. Curvy girls jiggle when they dance. For just a wee moment, I was uncomfortable, silently focusing on my flaws. And, then this fabulous freedom swept over me, as one of the kitchen boys twirled me around in the middle of the street, in front of the stage, at our tiny railroad town festival. This life is short, and I may never have the chance to dance in the middle of the street with my beloved, beautiful kitchen boys and half the town…and eventually in the arms of my husband…again. (Even he can’t resist that kind of contagious joy.) We don’t know what tomorrow holds. So, I danced, with complete abandon. For hours.

And, once I stopped worrying about the things that just don’t matter this side of heaven, I began to feel beautiful. And, loved.

I felt loved by my friends, my kitchen boys, my Tim…and most of all… loved by God.

I felt Him whisper as I laughed and spun…

You are cherished. You are beautiful. You are dearly loved. You are Mine. And, I see you, dear daughter of my heart.

Oh, how grateful I am that I did not allow a few extra pounds and some grey hair to keep me from dancing freely. The kind of dancing that heals the soul-ache of a weary heart. Dear women everywhere, there is nothing more beautiful than a confident, joy-filled, free woman. No matter how she is packaged.

You are cherished. You are beautiful. You are dearly loved. You are His. He sees you, dear daughter of his heart.

So, dance. Dance freely, covered in His grace and love for you. And, remember…radiant joy covers a multitude of jiggles (and other flaws).

 

Photo credit

Embracing the Gift of Time: Micah’s Story

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Over the last couple months we’ve had the honor of walking with the Wilhelm family as they waited to meet their son, Micah. I will let Micah’s mother, Jenna, share the details of their story below. But I wanted to share a bit from my own heart about our time with this beautiful family.

Besides the beauty of this couple, inside and out, I was struck by the love and support they exemplify with one another and their family. The faith and love they share is so evident in the way they’ve walked this journey. We had the pleasure of several conversations over the last couple months as Jenna and Nate planned the birth of Micah and the time they would spend with him.

 

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During Micah’s delivery shortly after we arrived at the hospital,  I waited with his grandparents as SGM Remembrance Photographer, Brittany, took pictures of his welcoming and baptism. Jenna had handed me a bag of items that their family and friends had gifted them as they waited to meet Micah. She wanted pictures taken with Micah and each of the items. As we talked and waited in the hallway, I took out some of the contents and asked about the story behind them. The first thing was a teddy bear, given by Jenna’s father. He said it was a tradition in his family that the grandfather give a teddy bear to his grandchild, a tradition he wanted to continue. It touched my heart, the meaning behind the bear that would be given to sweet Micah…and the meaning behind the other gifts as well. There was book from grandma, a cross from the other grandma, and several other special mementos from aunts and others. There was also a tiny Indian toy that had been one of Daddy Nate’s favorites as a young boy according to his mother. The toy came with the movie, Indian in the Cupboard, that Nate used to watch as a child. The tiny Indian would be placed with Micah in one of his pictures.

The bag represented the dreams they had for Micah, and it was an opportunity to celebrate him in the ways that a first child and grandchild should be celebrated. It was an honor to meet Micah, to help his family celebrate his life, to stand with them on the sacred ground where heaven meets earth…and to capture a lifetime of love and memories that will be forever cherished by those who loved him. The Wilhelm family is such a wonderful example of embracing the gift of time they were given with their child. I’m so grateful for the love shared within his beautiful family.  ~ Kelly, SGM Support Companion/Doula

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The following was posted from Jenna a week after Micah’s birth.

Jenna:
“This is an update regarding our family and what we have been experiencing the past few months. A week ago today, we welcomed a beautiful baby boy named Micah Andrew. He was born via c section at 37 and half weeks old. It is with sadness today that we buried him. Although we only had a short time with him (as he only lived a couple of hours), we loved and embraced every minute of it. He was a miracle child in every sense of the phrase.

At 13 weeks we were told at a specialist appointment (which we had gone for something else, a treatable issue) that his chest cavity did not develop and that his organs were forming outside of his body. We received support from the doctors and were told this was random and was not caused by anything we did. We were told that it was very rare (~1-20-30,000). We were also told to terminate the pregnancy as it would not result in anything but pain, heartache, and ultimately his death (not to mention a probable c section delivery). We were told there was pretty much no chance he’d make it full term due to the severity of this fatal diagnosis.
When we chose to continue with the pregnancy, we were given love and support by our families and the doctors, which we will forever be grateful. Despite all odds against him, Micah kept growing.

To say this was/is the most difficult thing Nate and I have been through is an understatement, but we also say with complete confidence that we were able to experience moments of pure joy. God’s hand was in this the entire time, allowing us to feel Micah kick/move often, develop a personality/respond to our voices, and allowing us to love and celebrate this baby as he should be. Carrying a child, was incredible, and unfortunately it is a blessing some families do not get to experience. For that we are grateful. Micah made it to full term, was delivered safely, and baptized. We were able to spend time holding him and loving him. Grandparents were able to meet him as well. Through God’s mercy, Micah was at such peace, we were unable to tell exactly when he passed.

This post was meant to accomplish many things. First and foremost, Nate and I ask out of respect that this does not turn into a pro-life vs pro-choice argument board out of respect for our son and family as this is not the intent of this post. We’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone (friends, families, churches) for the continued love, prayers, support, gifts/cards etc…It truly has shown what wonderful people we have in our lives. We’d like to thank the doctors for their wisdom, skills, and support/love with this pregnancy. We could not have asked for a better medical team and experience given the circumstances of this pregnancy. We would like to thank Kelly Gerken and Sufficient Grace Ministries for their support. This is truly a wonderful and selfless organization. Nate and I encourage anyone given a difficult circumstance with pregnancy to contact Kelly. They provided many items we are able to keep in memory of Micah, supported us at the hospital, took pictures of our beautiful baby, and countless other things. If you are looking for a great cause to donate to, again please consider this organization, as unfortunately Nate and I have found that many families have dealt with similar situations (many more than we initially realized).

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And last but definitely not least, we thank God and our Savior Jesus Christ for his mercy through these past few months, allowing our boy to beat odds so we couldDSC_1364 meet him, and giving Nate and I strength when we did not have it. Micah means “Who is like God?” and our answer to this is absolutely no one. He is all powerful, merciful, all-knowing, faithful…he is EVERYTHING. We were blessed to see all aspects of life… from the beginning to the end, and it is because of Jesus we are confident we will see and hold him again.

Please feel free to like/share this post, as encouragement for those who have been or will be given difficult situations with their pregnancies. Let this serve as encouragement if you are able to/choose to continue with those pregnancies…that although it will be difficult, there are opportunities for joy and happiness to come from it.
Thank you again- love Jenna and Nate”

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For more information about the perinatal hospice services offered by Sufficient Grace Ministries, please click here.

Under that link, you will also find information about birth planning, memorial planning, and other resources if you are carrying a baby with a life-limiting diagnosis. You can also request Dreams of You memory-making resources here.

*Thank you to Brittany Yankowski (SGM Remembrance Photographer) for taking these beautiful images of the Wilhelm Family.

SGM Christmas Extravaganza 2016 Winners

Thank you to everyone who participated in the SGM Christmas Extravaganza 2016! Congratulations to the winners. Please email us your shipping address with the item(s) you won in the subject heading and or the text of the post to: sgm.shipping@gmail.com.

Day One: Ornaments
Ornament #1 goes to Talia Hammer
Ornament #2 goes to Anna White
Ornament #3 goes to Jenn @ Treasuring Life’s Blessings
Ornament #4 goes to Allison Leusink

Day Two: Angel
Dawn Shugert

Day Three: Angels and Dreams of You
Angel with Lamb goes to Stephanie Tanner
Angel with Until We Meet Again saying goes to Jennifer Rocketfield

Day Four: Words and Pictures
Wooden frame with encouraging words for grieving hearts goes to Amanda Mangas
Picture frame goes to Jill Sakowski

Day Five: Books
Seamless Bible Study goes to Leslie Sams
Empty Arms goes to Renee Suydam
One Thousand Gifts Study goes to Tienne Wilkin
Celebrating Pregnancy Again goes to Amanda Wu
Anchored Study goes to Becky Pyle
Not Pregnant goes to Jennifer Sommer
Sufficient Grace goes to Randi Schlenkner

Sending love and grace to all of you this Christmas season and a peaceful New Year. Thank you again for joining in our Christmas celebration. Remembering with each of you.

SGM Christmas Giveaway Day Five: Books!

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This year, we have been delving into some bible studies that can be life-changing. God’s Word is so powerful and life-breathing…and…alive. A great time to start a study is at the beginning of the year. So, Christmas is the perfect time to offer some of our favorites.

We’ve included Seamless by Angie Smith (a study that ties the bible together as one story)
Anchored (a study offering hope for those walking through the loss of a child)
One Thousand Gifts Study (A companion to THEE Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts opening our hearts to gratefulness by counting the daily simple gifts we’re given)

As well as some beautiful books for those who have endured loss or other challenges to their faith…

Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse

Celebrating Pregnancy Again by Franchesca Cox (one of our favorite resources for those expecting a pregnancy after a loss)

Sufficient Grace by Kelly Gerken (the story of faith and beauty from ashes as the Gerken family faces the loss of three of their five children…also a great resource as the second half includes topical grief-related information and the birth of Sufficient Grace Ministries)

Not Pregnant by Cathie Quillet (a NEW book for those facing infertility or secondary infertility)

To enter, leave a comment telling us which book or books you’d like to read. You can enter to win more than one. :)

We will be announcing all of our winners to this week’s giveaways late tonight or early Saturday morning. So, make sure you keep an eye on our Facebook page for that post. Love and grace to all!

SGM Christmas Extravaganza Day Four: Words and Pictures

Today’s giveaways are…

1…. a Wooden frame with various slides you can display, offering words of comfort for grieving hearts.

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2. A memorial picture frame
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To enter, please leave a comment telling what you hope to win and some words that have been an encouragement or comfort to you in your grief. ♡

SGM Christmas Giveaway Extravaganza Day 3: Dreams of You and Angels, Too

Each year, Sufficient Grace Ministries sends hundreds of Dreams of You memory packages to grieving parents worldwide. We never charge parents for our products or services, but do ask for shipping donations. However for the rest of this week, we will be offering our FREE Dreams of You packages with FREE Shipping thanks to the BGSU Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity who recently held their annual Build-a-Bear for Moms fundraising/bear stuffing event! Comment on the link on Facebook to let those amazing gentlemen know how you feel about their efforts. We are so grateful they have the courage and compassion to help spread awareness, stuff our Comfort Bears, and support SGM as we support grieving parents. (We will be writing a post soon to share more about their amazingness!) We will accept up to 50 orders. So EVERYONE (up to 50 families) who would like a Dreams of You package can request one here. Please allow 3-12 weeks for delivery as we finish making the Comfort Bears.

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Also…Yesterday, I forgot to add 2 angels in our heaven post…so they are options for today’s giveaway! :)

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Leave a comment to enter. Share on Facebook and Twitter for additional entries. Please leave an additional comment for each entry or share.

SGM Christmas Giveaway Extravaganza Day Two: Heaven

I love to think of what my loved ones may be doing in heaven. The hope of heaven is what makes living amidst the brokenness of earth bearable. We have that hope because Jesus came for us…and we celebrate the gift that He came each Christmas. No matter the broken. No matter the pain.
He came, bringing promise of no more tears.
A promise to make all things new.
A promise of beauty for ashes.
A promise in Isaiah 61 to comfort those who mourn.
He came bringing a thrill of hope.
And, one day…all that lays in ruins will be rebuilt…
Because He came.

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Today’s giveaway considers the thought that our loved ones are looking down from heaven. I always think they get to see the good stuff from heaven, and the bible speaks of them cheering us on. I think my mother is especially near at Christmas-time. She loved to decorate and give gifts, spreading the beauty created from her heart and hands wherever she went. I’m sure she is soaking in joyous moments with her grandbabies, and her father. Faith and Grace surely have the prettiest Christmas dresses. They are perpetually 5-8 in my mind (even though they would now be 20 years old)…with long flowing chestnut waves and sparkling brown eyes. Thomas is wearing a light blue Christmas suit, age 3-4 in my mama-heart (18 in earthly years), wisdom gleaming in the eyes that mirror his father and brothers. I remember my other grandparents and wonder how they spend their days in eternity as well. Some sweet day, we will be reunited again.

To enter today’s giveaway, please comment on this post, sharing what you believe your loved one is doing in heaven.

SGM Christmas Giveaway Extravaganza Day One: Ornaments

Welcome to the week of Christmas Giveaways known as the SGM Christmas Extravaganza! So many are missing someone this Christmas. We like to help offer a bit of comfort and joy during this season of missing. Today, you can enter to win a memorial ornament. Just leave a memory of how you feel your Christmas tree tells your family story and/or a memory of your loved one in the comments to enter as well as which ornament(s) you are entering for.

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My Grandfather: King of the Little Things

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James Bodenbender was born in 1933. He died on November 13, 2016. His mother was dearly loved by all who knew her for the way she made her home a haven to those who entered. His father died when he was just 10 years old. He didn’t graduate high school, because he signed up to join the army. He fought in the Korean War, serving his country well. He was a scrappy young man with a love for beer and ladies. Always ready with a swagger and an outrageous story to tell.  He was a boxer, and no stranger to bar fights. Apparently even once fighting a peacock in a bar! That’s the man I’ve heard tale of, but he isn’t the man I knew in my lifetime. He would always tell us stories…elaborate, unbelievable stories. We never really knew if they were true or not, but then again, Grandpa was such a character anything seemed possible. Some were from his boxing days…or stories about other interesting characters he knew. We had nicknames for him…Grandpa Dundee because of his Crocodile Dundee hat and most well-known, Grandpa Holy Mackerel…due to his vivacious love for the phrase: “Hoooooly Mackerel!!”

What I didn’t know about my grandfather is that he achieved the unheard of honor of working his way from general laborer to superintendent in his construction career, educating himself on engineering by reading books. My mother described his work as blowing up mountains to build roads and bridges through them. I’m sure it was much more complex than that, of course. But, he was a proud, hard-working, intelligent man who did not allow the lack of a traditional education to keep him from educating himself and achieving his goals.

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He married my grandmother, Marge, and they had six children. Their relationship was tumultuous, as he continued his outrageous antics. Both with fiery personalities and a strong will, they divorced while the children were still young. Proud and stubborn, neither admitted it much, but a tender place remained in their hearts beneath the pain. For, they did dearly love each other once. And, that kind of love doesn’t just disappear.

Doris was the woman I saw him with the most when we were growing up. He would smile with his entire face, eyes disappearing, as he put his arm around her, or my mother, or me. Many of our family vacations included visits to the various places he lived. He usually lived in places that had hills or mountains…so it was always a beautiful drive. Much more to feast our eyes on than the flat lands of our home in the Midwest. I especially loved to visit him in the fall when the trees were changing colors. Gorgeous tree-covered mountain splendor. We would play car bingo and eat snacks on the way. He had an Atari and an Intellivision that we loved. And a keyboard that played different rhythms. One time, we found the best walking stick ever and walked around the mountains with our find. My brothers loved it! You really can’t beat a good walking stick. Grandpa was telling us stories about mountain lions (which may or may not have actually lived in the area) while we walked. Doris was a southern lady, and always looked at our grandfather with such admiration. She was welcoming and kind, although they two had their troubles. After they parted ways, he moved to our small town for a time, much to my mother’s delight. She always had a special bond with him and it meant so much to her to have him close. My youngest brother, Sean, took a special liking to Grandpa in those days and they’ve continued their bond through the years. They  are two peas in a pod, full of bologna, crazy antics, and unbelievable stories.  His time with us included a whirlwind road trip, a pet pig (in town), and holidays with his famous grin.

Elaine was the woman who loved him during the last 12 years of his life, caring for him in sickness, watching the Molly B Polka Show, and laughing with him. They called each other each night at 7pm if they were apart.  Grandpa loved her and her children and grandchildren as if they were his own. He was so grateful for her part in his life, and so are we.

Reflecting on his life and love in the last few weeks, I wrote…

We talked today about the thing that matters most as we reflect back on our lives…love. He held my hand tightly, whispering, “There’s so much love…so many different kinds of love…in this world. So many, I don’t even know. It’s the only thing that matters.”

My grandfather was a simple man, shopping at the Goodwill store and flea markets. Oh, how he loved a good deal! He found simple treasures everywhere. Jars and jars of his beloved marbles. Bells he collected, rescuing and repairing the broken ones to fill his time. In the last days of life, he said, “You don’t think the little things matter much, but they do. They mean so much. The little things are everything.”

He loved nature, building a house in the country with a fish-filled pond near the woods where deer and the occasional fox would wander. He made the best venison jerky around. He fed the birds and laughed at the squirrels from his porch swing. A mighty, strong man, he overcame a stroke, various forms of cancer, heart disease, and more throughout his time on earth.

Regarding one health scare in 2009, (from a former blog post):

“Grandpa was just battling for his own life in the hospital recently. He woke up not able to walk. He crawled to the door and drove himself to the hospital. After frightening a nurse when he motioned to her to come to the car (it was the middle of the night.), someone finally brought him a wheelchair and got him into the hospital. Yes…most people would have just called the EMS. Grandpa Dundee is not most people. After being told, his chances were very grim. And if he walked again, he would have to recover in a nursing home, Grandpa said, (not so sweetly) that he would have none of it. He walked out of the hospital several days later. And he is currently at home, in his house in the country, refusing a nurse’s care. Watching the squirrels slide down the pole (that he greased, so they couldn’t steal the bird seed in the bird feeder!) And eating his six year old turkey jerky. Because he can.”

He lived 7 more years after that.

Much of his last days brought back memories of watching our mother at the end of her life. I wrote these words one week ago:

At the end of her life, my grandfather sat beside my mother’s bedside, just to her left, for 4 weeks. While others were in and out, it was mostly the three of us: my youngest brother Sean, Grandpa, and me…sitting by her bed, interpreting her moans, listening to her raspy breathing patterns, stroking her hair. Me singing or saying a prayer. Mom occasionally waking for a one-liner.

I have buried three of my children, and I can honestly say…those 4 weeks of watching her suffer were the most traumatic of my life…of our lives. It was an honor and a privilege…beauty in the broken…but it was utterly…life-changing…devastating.

The three of us understood like no one else what she endured. My love for our grandfather…and desire to honor him for staying with her…with us…is beyond description. Not only did we not want to leave her in those days…we didn’t want to leave each other…like soldiers in battle together.

Yesterday, I walked into the hospice center…and sat beside him to his left…

We spent so much time with him this month, soaking in his last days. He spoke some of his regrets and I reminded him of the grace and forgiveness Jesus gives us. Nothing can separate us from His love. While looking through boxes of pictures and other mementos he kept throughout the years, I sat in awe, picturing him with a proud grin as he cut out newspaper articles from when his son ran for County Sheriff, my feisty mother’s letters to the editor on a crusade to right the wrongs of the world,  or when his grandchildren were featured in the newspaper for their sports achievements. He was quiet and proud, spending so much time alone. But, it was evident that his family was never far from his heart. I had no idea how much every note, every picture displayed with pride on his refrigerator…meant to him. How he treasured every little piece of our lives. He was in hospice care for 3 weeks at home and spent one week in the in-patient facility before passing on to glory. He said several times that those 3 weeks had been the best of his life, surrounded by love and family. He had seen his family more in the last 3 weeks than he had in the last 30 years. Those words pierced my heart in a way I hope to never forget.

Many precious hours have been spent holding my grandfather’s hand the last few weeks. In the picture above, as my sister-in-law, Megan, and I were holding his hands, he put them together. Such beauty in the holding of a hand. Even when there are no words spoken, love is expressed.

Time stops at the beginning and the end of our earthly lives, so that we soak in the moments that matter. I wish we stopped a little more in the middle, sometimes.

 

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Ways to Create and Keep Memories With Your Baby ~ Before and After Goodbye

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Guest post by Andrea Soergel

                It is a naturally human thing to desire to be remembered.  In our quietest, deepest times of soul-searching, I think most of us would admit that we ponder what we have done that will leave a mark on this world.  What will be left for future generations to know that we existed?  That we were here, and we lived and loved and we meant something.  There are some things we can do to leave that lasting imprint.  First and foremost, if you’re a parent, you can raise children that are made to feel loved and secure.  We do our best to guide them and provide boundaries that will create adults who do THEIR part to have a positive impact.  If we don’t have any living children, we may do some kind of work that has lasting value, be it our actual job or volunteering.  We can all leave a positive impression on our world.

                So, what are we to do when our anticipated and much-loved child dies?  Where is their legacy?  Where is the chance for them to leave their touch on this life?  It lies with us.  The living, who loved them and nurtured them, whether it was only while in the womb, or for brief moments or days beyond.  We can carry their torch.  We can make sure their story doesn’t end with their physical exit from this earth.

                I was in this spot, and truthfully, feel that I will forever be in this spot, as long as the Lord allows me to be here.  Our son, Haven William, was diagnosed with anencephaly (a fatal neural tube defect) at twelve weeks into my pregnancy.  We were blessed with twenty weeks to enjoy with him, cherishing every little kick and hiccup.  He left us quietly at thirty-two weeks and was born still on February 13, 2004.  Our planning for honoring Haven began before his death and subsequent birth.  We have continued to keep him present in several different ways over the last twelve years.  I have also heard of a lot of really cool ways that other people are remembering and honoring their sweet babies, too. 

Before Birth:

                -Capturing your baby’s heartbeat.  One site (mybabysheartbeatbear.com) provides everything you need to record the heartbeat and place it inside a stuffed animal.  This is not the only place out there, of course, but you get the idea.  Doctor’s offices can often provide print outs of the heartbeat as well.  Some people even choose to then have this turned into a tattoo.  Of course, you can always just have the recording to treasure without doing anything fancy with it.

                -Paint your belly.  This one is fun for siblings to be involved with.  There isn’t a lot of prep work or cost involved~just get some paint, bare your belly, and go to town.  Of course, pictures to document are a necessity.  It is also a good chance to talk to your other children about what is happening with their baby brother or sister in a more light-hearted setting.  I also want to emphasize that, while this may be super fun for kids, you can have just as much fun doing this with you and your spouse or partner.

                -Make a belly cast.  This one obviously involves more prep work and cost, but can be a really meaningful remembrance to have.  Some people choose to have the casts painted and then display them in their home.  They are just as lovely unpainted and stand as a testament to the little life you carried.  The popularity of belly casts is growing and you can even buy kits at places like walmart.com and target.com, as well as many other places.

                -Maternity Photos.  This one is self-explanatory, but there are so many lovely ideas out there.  You can choose a place that is particularly meaningful or fun for you and your family and have photos done there or virtually anywhere.  I have seen beautiful portraits done in studios, as well as in the outdoors or their home.  Maternity photos are always meaningful, but even more so for a baby whose life is expected to be brief.  You can use a professional photographer or even just grab a friend and ask them to help out by snapping a few pictures.  You will be glad you did!

                -Celebrating the kicks.  Full disclosure here-this one is my favorite and it doesn’t require much explanation.  We loved having our other children and family feel Haven kicking away.  We enjoyed it immensely and it is something I will never forget.  One suggestion that I wish we had done was to record some of those sweet moments.

The birth day:

                -Photographs and more photographs.  Some people choose to have professional photographers there for the birth of their child and some prefer just to have family or to take the pictures themselves.  You can’t have this day to do over again, so make it what you want it to be.  Whatever direction you choose to go, you will never regret having a LOT of pictures.  Don’t forget the shots of different family members with baby, too.  My dad passed away two years after our son was born and I treasure the photos of him with Haven.

                -Footprints, Handprints, and molds.  You can purchase inexpensive mold kits in many different places.  Usually the hospital staff is very kind about helping you with the molds and prints.  Once you have them you can do different things with them.  We have Haven’s footprints framed on our wall and we also have a stamp that was made from one of his tiny, perfect feet.

*I have to take the opportunity to plug Sufficient Grace Ministries in this area.  The care they give to families and their babies is top-notch and they provide photographers as well as mold kits and supplies for hand and footprints. If you are in the state of Ohio, they will provide trained support doulas and remembrance photographers to walk with you and help capture precious memories of your time with your baby. They can also help perinatal hospice families with birth planning and offer online and teleconference consultations for families and birth professionals worldwide.

Beyond:

                This is the part that can be so daunting.  It can be easy to come up with ideas to honor our babies when we are right in the midst of the situation.  It is always present in our minds and hearts.  But, as time passes, it can take a little more effort to think of ways to keep our baby’s story going.  Of course, it is always right there in OUR hearts and minds.  It doesn’t go away.  There are some creative ways for your precious child’s memory to endure, even beyond the walls of your home.

                -Love letters in the sand.  I cannot take credit for coming up with this idea, but it has really been huge for us.  When our friends or family travel, they write Haven’s name in the sand, take a picture, and send it to us.  Sounds pretty simple, and it is, but I really can’t tell you how much it means to us.  When we first started doing this, about eight years ago, I wrote a post on Facebook asking anyone who was going on vacation that summer if they would write Haven’s name for us.  It has taken off in a way we never would have expected!  We don’t have to ask anymore and people have sent us pictures from all over the world.  At the time of this writing we have Haven’s name on four of the seven continents.  We hope to get all seven eventually! (Sidenote:  Know anyone in Antarctica??)  This is so easy and I think you will find that your friends and family are more than happy to do this for you.

                -Book drive.  When the year arrived that our son would have started kindergarten we felt like doing something a little bigger.  I am a book lover and so it seemed a natural fit that we would do a book drive for our school library.  We have two older children and we sent out letters to their classmates’ families, as well as to our family and friends, asking them if they would consider donating a book to the school library in Haven’s name.  It was very successful and we added over seventy amazing books to our collection.  They had their own special shelf and each book has a label that says, “This book was given in memory of Haven W. Soergel by the loving donation of family and friends.”  We also had friends and family who donated books to our church library, as well.  I know that any public library would also welcome a donation and they are happy to have labels inside with your baby’s name.  In a similar vein, for one of Haven’s birthdays we requested donations of the book A Gift of Time be given to Sufficient Grace Ministries in his name.  SGM puts a label in the book, which they send out to grieving families all over the world.

                -Random acts of kindness.  I really love this idea.  The idea behind this one is to ask people to do a “random act of kindness” in honor of your baby and then report back to you what they did.  This is such a great example of using your pain and loss to put beauty out there in the world.  An example of what this looks like can be found on the Facebook page, “Acts of Kindness for Manny’s Birthday”.  Stacey and her husband lost their son, Manny on August 7th, 8/7.  Their idea is to try to get at least 87 acts of kindness done in Manny’s name on his birthday.  How cool is that?  This could obviously be tweaked in a lot of different ways to make it personal to your child.  It costs you nothing, brightens someone else’s day, and honors your baby’s memory.  It doesn’t get any better than that.

                -Christmas pictures and family pictures.  I love Christmas and I really get into writing a family Christmas letter and planning out our Christmas picture of the kids each year.  One of my favorite parts of the picture is figuring out how we will include Haven.  Sometimes we do it in obvious ways, for example, one year we had the bigger kids holding a picture of Haven.  Sometimes it is more subtle, and we actually have friends and family who look forward to see how we have incorporated our boy each year.  We have positioned the children in front of the tree so that one of Haven’s ornaments is in the picture.  We have a blue bear that represents him in other pictures.  Some families use their Comfort Bear in each family picture or other beloved item to represent their baby. One year our youngest son was wearing a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Ribbon.  You can get so creative with how you include your little one.

                These ideas are just a little taste of the numerous ways you can memorialize your baby in your life and the lives of your family.  An added benefit of doing any of these activities is opening up the door for others to speak to you about your baby.  In the babyloss community we all know that so many people are afraid to talk to us about our children because they don’t want to upset us or “remind” us.  When our loved ones see us actively including our baby, it gives them permission to do the same.  And ultimately, don’t we all want the chance for our baby’s story to continue and have an impact?

For more ideas and information about creating memories during pregnancy when a baby’s life is expected to be brief, to find in-person or online support, to request resources, or for memorial ideas after birth and goodbye, please visit the links on the Sufficient Grace Ministries below:

SGM Perinatal Hospice Services

Making Memories Before Birth

Birth Planning

Memorial Planning