I stood in the paint aisle of the hardware store two days ago, scanning the prices, kicking myself for not buying enough for the conference room a couple months before when it was on sale…for less than half the price.
I knew what was in the budget….the budget that had been stretched, like the oil in the lamp, so many times in the past few months. Every time I looked, seeing “not enough”, somehow there would be “just enough”, still. A generous heart would donate time, skills, finances. A ridiculous sale on fabric would lead to 70 yards of fleece on the shelves of our storage room and boxes of stuffing, books on the shelves. And, we would fill the boxes, shipping tiny offerings of comfort to empty arms and broken hearts.
“Plenty”, He would answer in that still, small voice of certainty and gentleness. “Plenty”, He answers to my every “not enough”.
So, I negotiated the price with the store clerk, who consulted the owner, who discounted my purchase by $40.
I left, wondering if I bought enough paint.
Yesterday, bones aching from the reaching and stretching, breathing in the fresh coats of paint, I looked at the unopened gallon of paint sitting next to the additional half gallon leftover. The large conference room was covered with two generous coats of paint, using only two-and-a-half gallons of the four we had purchased. Abundance…
“Plenty”, He spoke in the silence of the freshly painted conference room at the SGM building.
I closed my eyes, picturing the boys rolling paint on the walls, and my friend Nancy, still healing from surgery pushing a chair along to lean on as she added paint to our wall, old country hymns crooning from her iPad, her voice and mine lifting quietly to How Great Thou Art, brushes swishing in rhythm. My little Lynette, smoothing on the trim, noticing how far the paint stretched…noticing His plenty, walking in for round two, that evening, with her grown-up boys to finish the job, just when I thought I would be painting the rest alone.
“Plenty”, He whispered. I can see His face spread into a smile, eyes sparkling with delight, as He shows me. Again and again.
I brushed my hand over the full paint can. Knowing it was so much more than leftover paint.
As we ate lunch, I marveled at His love for the broken people. My son, and his friend (another son in my heart) spending the day, covering the walls of a place meant to minister to brokenness with beauty. Painting over the dirt with clean…the old with new. Only hearts tender from the breaking can listen, with gentleness, to mothers remembering, while eating lunch and painting walls. Strong arms, soft hearts. Hearts that have known loss. They gather here, the people, with the broken pieces. I smiled, thinking of the gifts they have at the tender age of eighteen…gifts many never know. The full that comes from emptying.
“See”, He says, smile widening, eyes gleaming…”Plenty”.
Even still, as I schedule a time to meet with the grant committee review board, I feel the tugging of “not enough”, my inadequacies screaming small in the face of His big.
He smiles again, reminding me of His faithfulness. “Haven’t I always given plenty? I will cover your not enoughs with my grace. All of them. I will go before You, speak through you.”
My phone blinked blue. I wiped the paint off my hands and read a message from one of my top 3 favorite authors of all time, a woman God has used to speak grace into so many of my not enoughs, teaching me to count the gifts and see so much that I had missed…so much full in the emptying. I typed hastily in reply, blessed that Ann Voskamp knew my name.
Days before, I left a comment to enter a contest on her blog, hoping to win an amazing camera to use for SGM’s perinatal hospice. We are planning to add photography services for the local families we serve, in addition to the support and materials we currently offer…capturing precious moments with babies whose lives are brief.
I submitted my entry later than intended, noticing my comment was number 400-something in the midst of a mounting list. I shared my heart in the comments and offered a whispered thought to my Father, the One with the smiling eyes. Then, the next day I bought the paint and went back to work.
Until the light flashed blue.
And, later green…with a touching email from Ann, fellow lover of grace…telling me I had been randomly (although we know that nothing is random with our God!) chosen from a list of I don’t know how many. Last check, there were over a thousand comments on her blog post. Laughter and overwhelmed sobs emerged from my depths as I shared the news with my youngest and looked up to praise God for the plenty. Grace, sweet grace, always filling my empty, covering “not enough” with plenty. Abundance. Overflowing beauty I don’t deserve…sweet mercy. Humbling…on my face grateful.
Sufficient Grace Ministries will now have access to a Nikon D90 {& 18-105 mm f/3.5-5.6G Zoom Lens to photograph tiny lives and capture grace.
“Anticipate”, He whispers, smiling still. “Anticipate my faithfulness, daughter, to do more than you could ask or imagine.”
In the morning O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation. ~ Psalm 5:3
Amazing. Simply amazing. He always comes through…I shouldnt be, but I am always amazed each and every time this happens in our family too. I love these stories! Some how….there is always enough.
Congrats on that new camera! We have a D50 that I adore! You will love it!
I am always amazed too…even though He is always faithful and we should “anticipate” His faithfulness. Still…standing in awe. Love to you! Hopefully I can figure out the camera!
Beauty upon beauty. Thank you for sharing your not-enough and His provision with us. I’m so glad you won the camera!
Thank you, dear friend. He is so faithful to provide…above and beyond what my tiny mind would ever expect or grasp. Such an adventure. Grateful.
Oh my goodness GOD IS GOOD!!! Love this post and love you! I am committed to praying for your provision just know someone in CA is praying for your wonderful ministry.
Love you, too lady! And, I covet and appreciate your prayers more than I can say. He is faithful…and He hears every one!
Beautiful…tears filling my eyes…and thankfulness to the Almighty above…How Great Thou Art!
Congratulations! I am so happy you won. I am now learning about your ministry because I clicked on the link posted to see the lucky winner. Luck had nothing to do with it! God is awesome.
Thank you, Robin! God IS awesome…amazed by His grace and so grateful!
So happy that God has again supplied His plenty as only He can do. Bless you dear friend. I too found your site because of the link on Ann Voskamp’s site. I’ll be praying for you.
Thank you so much for stopping by, Sandee. His plenty astounds me. Thank you for the kind words…and the prayers
Dear Kelly,
I happened to see Ann’s Facebook post about the winner of the camera.this evening and found my way here to your site. I am sitting here weeping as I finished reading your post. That God IS the One who covers our not enough with His plenty. You see, I read Ann’s book and began counting my gifts back in 2011. And I entered 2012 pregnant with my third child, my first daughter, determined to count my one thousand gifts in the year. And I did count, through her diagnosis of a severe congenital heart defect at 32 weeks of pregnancy and her birth four weeks later, and through eight weeks of ups and downs of surgeries and life in the PICU. But somehow after she died at the end of June in the mind-numbing fog of grief, I forgot about counting the gifts, or just didn’t have the strength to fight to see them. But with the turning of the year I have again taken up my pen, though it sometimes feels crazy hard, to fight the “not enough” with writing His plenty.
I am so GLAD that you won this camera, that God has given it to you to bless and serve those who like me are walking this hard road. And tonight God has blessed my heart through it all in finding your site and ministry. Another gift. Thank you, Kelly, for serving and loving. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow.
Lacy,
Your words tonight have so touched my heart. I am standing in awe of the beauty He makes from the ashes over and over again. No words to convey the depth of that beauty and the astounding, mind-blowing grace of it all. I’m so thankful for the gift of the camera and what it will mean to the families SGM serves. But, also…just so thankful for the overwhelming beauty of the ways He works in our lives. Your courage to pick up the pen again…well, it encourages and inspires me. It is no small thing. And, I know He will reveal deeper measures of grace in your courageous counting of the gifts…even in this.
Praying for His continued comfort for your and your family…and thank you…for sharing this sacred piece of your heart with me.
Blessings,
Kelly
I can just imagine if I was there with you when you found out we’d be jumping up and down screaming!
God is providing for SGM in SO many ways and it is truly amazing. Praying He keeps bringing these blessings!