This…

Some days, I wonder about all the sorrow and brokenness this world holds. I wonder about the heaviness of grieving hearts. I wonder if what we do matters. I wonder if we are doing enough. Some days, when the tasks, needs, and shattered pieces of broken hearts stand like a mountain before us, I wonder…

Then, the answers come, quiet and still, but solid and true as they are whispered to my weary heart.

Why…why do we press on? Why have I become like a walking commercial for SGM on Facebook? Why do we keep looking at the hard things…weeping with those who weep…so many tears?

Why?

This is why…this…beautiful Ezekiel, son of Jennifer, holding the Comfort Bear that represents his sweet older brother Isaiah, who lives in heaven…two miracles at Christmas. Hope twinkling in the background…

 

And this…two beautiful parents giving back in the name of their precious son Michael Clifford “Peanut” Vollmer, donating Dreams of You items for grieving parents to Defiance Regional Medical Center. Thank you, Dan and Nancy, for your continued support.

 

And this…women gathering together to stuff and sew Comfort Bears at the new SGM facility…to encourage, share, and pray…so that mothers will have something to hold to comfort the ache of empty arms. In addition, many generous hearts recently donated about 70 yards of fabric to SGM due to a recent Black Friday sale on ivory blizzard fleece from JoAnn Fabrics. That will make more than 150 Comfort Bears!!

 

This…An amazing dad, Stacy Decker, father to sweet Chloe, who recently facilitated the donation of ALL our office furniture and some other necessary items for the SGM office from Xavier University!! Tim and I drove to Cincinnati and loaded our truck and trailer with items for SGM! Thank you, Stacy and Xavier…you have blessed us greatly!

Sometimes I just sit in awe, that we have such a beautiful place to meet with families and do our work. His grace astounds me. Those moments chase away any doubts or accusations of “not enough” and “what if”. God’s hand is evident in this place, in the generosity of each person we encounter, in His faithfulness to meet every need and go before us, in the swift ways He is moving to grow and build.

And…this…my children in heaven. The reason we have this passion in our hearts. The reason we press on, when we’re weary and heavy with the threat of “not enough”. The reason we once again crawl to the cross, asking for the eyes that look beyond what is seen, hearts that seek to believe in what remains invisible this side of heaven.

Faith, Grace, and Thomas. The first time I had a meeting in the office, I kept looking over at their wall, astounded by the gift of their lives, the beauty before me. Astounded that I am privileged to be their mother. I looked over at a picture of my own mother on the shelf as well, feeling the scripture in Hebrews which talks about being “surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses”. I sit straighter, pressing on.

 

This…the names of sweet babies in heaven…added to our SGM Angel Tree

 

 

And this…women gathering. Sharing our stories. Crying together, laughing together, remembering together. United as mothers who have walked a similar…and yet individual and unique…path. Walking together.

This is why I will keep going, seeking the Lord, stretched and small, carried by a God whose “big enough” always covers my “not enough”. Even on days when I want to hide out and wallow quietly in the smallness, you may see me doing more of this…

 

So that we can do more of this…

Thank you for your continued prayers and support of this ministry.

Comments

  1. What you do is amazing and I know that each person is touched by your love. Some days I sit and think about how overwhelming the loss is around the world. I sit here, I cry and I pray. The worst thing that can happen to a parent has happened to millions and it breaks my heart. I am praying that God has a special place in Heaven for all parents who have lost a child. ((HUGS))

  2. I’m a complete mess, sitting right here in front of my computer, with tears flowing. I wasn’t expecting to see that picture of Ezekiel holding the comfort bear, which represents the memory of his precious brother Isaiah. It gets me every time. This was a special gift to find today. Today was the day. I felt the yuck. December started, and I began wondering when it was going to hit. It always does. As each year passes, I seem to be able to hold it in longer…. then I wake up, and something just doesn’t “feel” right. Food didn’t taste right. Coffee wasn’t as enjoyable as it usually is. After getting myself ready for the day, and taking a look in the mirror to make sure that I was looking “put together,” I looked *blah* and felt *blah.* I knew what it was. I checked my calendar today to see what I needed to get done, and I realized that it was the 14th…… Isaiah was due December 25, 2008 Christmas Day, but scheduled for his birth via c-section on December 16th. I was able to hold it together up until two days before his BIG day. I’m still crying. Just a mess. No apologies here. In the beginning I would apologize to people when I would get emotional. Why?! This “grief thing” is something you learn to live with in different ways. You become somewhat of a professional grief carrier/counselor with yourself and with others. You go through this training to manage/mask/survive your life. I feel like a professional grief carrier/counselor. In the beginning, I would sit in front of this computer, HAVING to find other women who were walking in the life that I was. The women who were up all night, because they couldn’t function. They needed to talk about their child/children. Speak their name(s). Then, I got to the point that I got kind of angry with people. They stopped asking me how I was, as if I just woke up one day and was better. Here’s the big secret…. they thought I was “better,” because I hid. My feelings, pain, tears, sadness, anger. I used my blog to dump my feelings into. You came along side of me, and caught me. You were like a mother, the mother that understood. Not that my mom wasn’t there for me…. through no fault of her own, she couldn’t understand. Life kept going, living and moving. My life did too, but part of me was still hanging on to that cold fall night of August 3, 2008. You would keep rubbing my back with your words of comfort, understanding and knowledge of my very raw pain. I would be okay for a handful of days, and then boom, I would trip and stumble back into that pit of despair and a mother’s agony of wanting to hold my child, talk and play with him….. raise him to be a good man. You just kept trucking along with me. I’m over four years in this journey, and I truly don’t know where I would be emotionally, if it hadn’t been for your love and support, and of course all of the other beautiful women that I have made friendships with throughout this loss of my dear son. I feel as though I am on a different path now….. I find myself in search of women who are hurting and in despair, and wanting to help them with their journey. I want to be a friend to the hurting, and demonstrate the same love to them, as you have demonstrated to me. You were a friend to me, and still are. I look at this ministry that you have created out of love and pain, and my heart fills with a love and joy for you. You deserve every onward step, that leads into abundant blessings, straight from the hand of God, as you comfort others with the same comfort that you have received.

    ~I really love your heart-smile-love for everyone-love for God-empathy to all-compassion-drive to help hurting mother’s-and your sweet loving friendship.~

    Love you….

  3. Your words are so beautiful…and from such a sacred place from your mama heart. I am humbled beyond words. And so privileged to have walked with you even a little. You are an amazing mom…to all your children on earth and in heaven. I love the way God has carried you..and watching His grace in action through you has blessed my life so much.

  4. Thank you Kelly! It was a great comfort for me to see Joshua’s name on the beautiful Angel Tree. Thank you for your ministry.

  5. I know so many families who are thankful that SGM does what it does, myself included!

  6. M.G. Hall says:

    Thank you for what you do. My little potters baby will come any day now. I love seeing the strength these babies have brought to other moms. I look forward to meeting my child. MG

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