Created to be a Helpmate…Chapter Six…Lies Women Believe About Marriage

This week’s chapter of Lies Women Believe is so full of important truths and revealing lies that women struggle with…too much for one post. I’m going to skim through some of the concepts and leave links to posts that have previously covered some of these important topics on marriage.

Let’s dig in. I find it interesting, but certainly not surprising, that Satan began the demise of the human race by attacking the holy institution of marriage. I remember when God began to reveal to me the beauty He intended for marriage…the mystical miracle, the intricate plan. It delighted me to learn the nuances….to watch the unfolding of His love story as we lived ours. When I learned through His Word how He designed marriage to reflect our relationship with Him…to grow us into the people He created us to be…to tangibly show us a picture of His love. That blows my mind today as much as it did the first day I realized that incredible earth-shaking truth.

Last night, at the Heart to Heart marriage enrichment evening at our church, (which by the way was delightful and full of laughter), the speakers talked about God’s intention for intimacy in marriage. Complete intimacy…not just in a physical sense. But the idea that we can completely trust ourselves with one another, lay down all of our rights to whatever we think we have the right to, open ourselves up, being vulnerable, knowing that we are safe with one another. They spoke of the oneness we are meant to share: body, heart, and mind. A connectedness that is nothing short of a miracle.

It’s possible…when we do things His way.

And, it’s amazing when it happens. I remember when it began for me. It was when I learned that I needed to stop waiting for Tim to change and just let God start changing me. It was when He began to love Tim through me, teaching me about the beauty and freeing gift of submission. The importance of building my husband up…respecting and honoring him….giving myself to him in ways that spoke his love language. It was when He taught me to start praying and get out of the way. Stop undermining and start encouraging. Stop looking to Tim to meet my every need…and start looking to Jesus. Before Tim walked with the Lord, God began to reveal the beautiful qualities He had already placed in him…qualities that God would one day use in Tim’s life to bring honor to Him, and show the love of Jesus to others. He taught me to stop looking at flaws and showed me how “love always hopes, always endures, thinks no evil”. Love doesn’t look at what we lack…love looks at the blessed gifts in each of us. I learned about dying to my selfish wants and desires and something incredible happened.

As I gave myself to Tim, loving him with abandon and no strings attached….as I prayed and learned to get out of the way…God began to work in both of us until broken things were restored, sins were forgiven, hurts were healed, and he began to give his heart to me in ways that I needed. It is a circle of love…of laying it all down. And, a mutual submitting that defies logic. In losing our lives, we gain life. In laying it all down, we are filled. In giving all the love in our hearts, we are given back love. It’s the way our relationship with God should look…the oneness, the being completely submitted to Him, the vulnerability, the trust, the sheer beauty of loving with complete abandon.

Basically all of the above…covers most of the truth about the following lies covered in Chapter Six of Lies Women Believe, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss:

Lie 21: I have to have a husband to be happy.
Truth: “The Truth is that the ultimate purpose of marriage is not to make us happy, but to glorify God.” Nancy shares some more excellent points in this chapter about not overwhelming our husbands with all of our needs.

Lie 22: It is my responsibility to change my mate.
Truth: Only the Holy Spirit can change our spouse…and it’s not our job. We will get much further by living a Godly life (winning our husband’s without a word – not nagging!), praying, and getting out of the way, allowing God to work. I would also like to add that our husband’s flaws are none of our business and we should not even look at or dwell on them. Time is much better spent dealing with our own flaws…something we can change.

Lie 23: My husband is supposed to serve me.
Truth: “God did not make the man to be a ‘helper’ to the woman. He made the woman to be a ‘helper’ to the man.” (Such truthful words from the author, based on scripture.) The beautiful thing is that if we fulfill our roles as helpmate, often it makes it easier for our husbands to fulfill their roles as a loving spiritual leader…one that loves us so much he will give his life for us. He gives his life for us, by laying down his own wants and putting us first, just as we do the same for him. It is truly a beautiful circle of love…and mutual submission.

Lie 24: If I submit to my husband, I will be miserable.
Truth: Submission is one of the most liberating gifts God has given us. It is meant for our good and our protection. Meant to show us a full picture of our relationship with Him. I encourage you to study out Nancy’s thoughts further…as there is much deception about the true gift submission is meant to be. I shared a bit about it in this post: Submission and  this post  Great Expectations.

Lie 25: If my husband is passive, I’ve Got to Take the Initiative or nothing will get done.”
Truth: In my words…we are most of the time better off if we get out of the way and pray than stand in our husband’s way of being the man God has created him to be. We fulfill our role much better as an encourager than one who continually steps in front of our husband or takes the reigns from his hands. Trust God…and trust your husband. They can handle it.

Lie 26: Sometimes divorce is a better option than staying in a bad marriage.
Truth: “Marriage is a lifelong covenant, He is faithful and we can be too. There is no marriage God cannot heal…no person He can’t change. God’s grace is sufficient…This is not to say that sometimes, for safety…in cases of abuse and habitual infidelity that a woman should stay in an unsafe situation. God gives wisdom and we should seek His direction and a woman should keep her children and herself safe, should she find herself in such a destructive relationship. But, too many people give up on marriage instead of sticking it out through the hard stuff…through the disappointments. There is joy on the other side, and He can enable you to remain faithful.

Love to all this Valentine’s Day….praying that all may know how precious you are to our loving Father…and how deeply loved you are….


  1. Jennifer Ross says:

    I'm in the middle of chapter 5. I just commented on chapter 4. I am making myself catch up A.S.A.P……. I don't think that I've ever tried so hard to catch up to you…….. I just don't want you to take me "for a walk around the park!" lol (Yes, I am really laughing out loud!!) :O)

    You wonderful Kelly, and thank you for keeping all of us up on God's truth.

  2. Jennifer Ross says:

    P.S. I'm still laughing…… I hope you are! :)

  3. Wow – what an amazing book this must be! These are some of the things that Monte and I learned in our premarital counseling, and they're definitely some of the things we've kept with us through the start of our marriage! I love that you're sharing this – your heart is beautiful!

  4. Jennifer Ross says:

    I just finished ch.5 and left you a comment on the post for ch.5. I left you a comment last night about ch. 4 on the post for ch.4.

    By the way……… I'm still laughing! :O}

  5. Kelly, I just started reading through your study on your blog. I just loved this book the first time I read through it. It is so challenging and so good. You asked for some responses so I hope you don't mind if I share a few of my thoughts as I skim back through it…
    Lie21:I need a husband.
    If many wives are honest, before they were married, they thought they would be happy if they could just get married. After they got married, they have had the thought many times that if they were just single, they would be happy. Happiness is not found in our circumstance or status but in God alone.

    Lie 24:Submitting is miserable.
    My favorite thought on this subject I heard from Focus on the Family. The speaker said that, for a wife, submitting means that you dunk so that you get out of the way while God deals with your husband! :) I take a lot of pleasure in that thought… probably too much! But what a freedom and a BLESSING there is in submission!

    And I totally agree with your comments about the wonderful, difficult, mysterious thing that marriage is! I have recently been in a season of starting to understand why God chose marriage as His plan. It is awesome to study out!

    Thanks for being faithful to do this study. I'm sure many people are blessed from it! It has encouraged me to look back through my notes.

  6. Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries says:

    Hi Shannon! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! I loved reading your input, and laughed out loud at your comment about getting out of the way so God can deal with your husband!! =)

    Great stuff! I really appreciate others joining in to share their thoughts…I think it encourages us to know we're in this together! Thanks so much for taking the time to join in. And, thank you to everyone who has made an effort to catch up and share your heart. You guys are such a blessing to me!

    Love to you…

  7. Jennifer Ross says:

    This has been my favorite chapter. It was the ending that was really touching. (Letter from the woman.)

    While reading chapter 6, I shook my head in agreement to every truth. There were so many things that I was going to write that I liked, but that would take way to much time to copy.

    Basically, if you represent Christ in ALL you do, you really can get through anything….. anything at all.

    I am really really excited to rebuild my marriage with Chris, and I just can't wait to get started. Through the last five months, we have already worked through so many different issues in our marriage. One thing that I really want to work on is allowing Chris to be the husband, father and "man" of the house. Not the MAN, like he's a jerk about it, just the godly man that he was created to be.

    *God's grace is sufficient to enable you to be faithful to your mate and to love and forgive without limit.* ~Nancy DeMoss~

  8. I really enjoyed this chapter because it is so true! There was a time when I would have thrown this book across the room. Kelly from Kelly's Korner suggested I read Power of a Praying Wife and pray for Morgan before he was saved and I didn't finish the book because it got to the submission stuff. Ha! But, I did pray, even though it was so hard at first because I was so angry at Morgan. I have learned first had what prayer can do and what submission can do. It changed our life, our marriage, and led to Morgan asking Jesus into His life. It is truly amazing. We are truly living proof that there isn't any marriage that cannot be redeemed!

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