Loose ends, Sawyer update, and Dreams of her…

I’m getting ready to go to the Women of Faith Conference in a little bit. Just to give you a little window into the willy-nilliness of my life, I’m still not packed. That’s just how I roll. And, at 5:52am, I’m not even going to apologize. I will say, though, that I do admire all of you who are organized and together. It’s a beautiful quality. Unfortunately, I am wired differently. I won’t say that isn’t a challenge for my very organized and structured husband at times…but God gives us both sufficient grace. He is faithful like that.

If you’re wondering who is claiming the ticket I announced was still available (through a series of twists and events) yesterday, you’ll just have to keep wondering. If all goes as planned, there will be some pictures to share….maybe even a plethora of pictures. And the mystery will be solved. I’m sure all two of you out there in blogland are just on the edge of your seats waiting to know who will come to Women of Faith with us! Don’t worry…all will soon be revealed. =)

I don’t know about all of you, but whenever I’m going somewhere, I feel like I have to tie up all the loose ends in my life before I go. (Not that it ever happens…it’s just what I want to happen!) As if being gone for less than 48 hours is going to cause some sort of irreparable havoc in my life. So, for some reason, while I am yet unpacked, just hours from our departure, it seems necessary to write a blog post. The craziness of the way my mind works…aye, aye, aye!

So…some bloggy loose ends…completely unrelated to one another…

If you’ve been praying for baby Sawyer, thank you so much. Please scroll down to previous posts if you don’t know Sawyer’s situation…just not feeling the Linky this morning. Yes, I’m aware that typing all these words to explain not linking is probably more work than clicking around to do the linking…again, how I roll. At least this morning.

Sawyer did have the procedure to close up the opening left from his open heart surgery, yesterday. The last update was the procedure was a success and one little hurdle in this situation of seemingly endless hurdles is behind him. Please continue to pray for this sweet baby and his family as he heals and faces the next hurdle. (His mama is one of my best friends.)

Speaking of best friends, I’m feeling a little Steel Magnolias-ish this morning. You know, what with getting ready to meet up with some women of faith in my life and worship with about 40,000 other women of faith. And, as I think of the beautiful women of faith I’m going to meet, thoughts inevitably drift to my own mother, a place my mind goes often in a day’s time.

I long to hear her sweet laugh and see her smile…the one that dances in her eyes and warms the whole room. I won’t lie. My mama was a feisty gal. And, she and I didn’t always see eye-to-eye. I’ll be the first to admit that I spent most of her life missing out on all the gifts she had to offer. God did redeem all that was broken between us in the last years of her life. But, I have many regrets over the gifts I missed…the gifts she offered the world. I know when someone leaves us, we often only hold on to the good. But as time goes by, I don’t see anything wrong with only seeing the good in those we love. Maybe, we should do it more with those who are still with us. I think I kind of like that, and I’m going to embrace it. Actually, I think it’s a biblical concept even…check out I Corinthians 13.

Anyway, I miss my mother with a missing that I cannot convey with words. Even when I dream of her, my missing comes out. The ache is so acutely with me that sometimes I am taken aback by it’s strength. My dreams of her have not always been a comfort. So much about the suffering at the end of her life remains unsettled in my psyche. And, I suppose it’s all trying to work itself out in dreamland where I can’t push it back down under the layers where I’d like it to stay. Dreams render you helpless like that.

I won’t get into details here about all of those dreams, but I do want to share about the last one. To tell you the truth, most of them I’d rather not relive.

One of the things I long for the most is to just stand in the kitchen with her, or the laundry room while she does ordinary things and we chat like mothers and daughters do. Many of you are mothers aching for your children. I share that ache with you…those dreams for all that could have been. This ache is different. It is for all that was and all that could have been. I never dream of my babies, although I wish I could. It seems it would be a comfort to feel them in my arms, even if just in dreamland.

So, I was delighted when in this dream, I was allowed to do one of the things I long for most. As always, there was a little bit of reality in the dream. The reality is that my mother’s house will be going up for sale soon. So, in dreamland, my stepfather was packing their things in the other room. I was in the kitchen feeling the usual weight in my chest. And, I looked up and saw her standing at the kitchen counter, wiping the crumbs. (She hated clutter and a crumby counter.) She was smiling and in no hurry at all.

“Mom, you’re here!” I ran to her and hugged her tight, something I did too rarely in real life. The questions followed of “where have you been” and “I’ve missed you” and “There’s so much going on”. Some part of me in the dream understands that she has been gone…that she has died, even as I’m talking to her. I didn’t dwell much on that this time. This time was different. I laughed with her in the kitchen, as they packed her life away in the other room. I laughed with her as she sat at the kitchen table laughing with her grandchildren and doing some craft. I laughed with her while she was in the laundry room. (She really had a thing about laundry. She hated to get behind and was meticulous about the way it was done. I did not inherit this trait, much to my family’s chagrin.)

In many of my dreams, there is little comfort as I work out all that I didn’t know was inside me. But, in this dream, as we stood in the kitchen and I prepared to apologize again, as if I could somehow have prevented all that happened, she put her hands on my shoulders, looked into my eyes and said the words I must be longing to hear…

“This is not your fault.”

She hugged me and I inhaled the smell of vanilla and Tide, drinking in the beauty of her face and the feel of her arms around me, knowing even in my dream state that our time was short. Peace settled in my heart and I awoke with her memory still hanging in the air. It felt as if I did spend time with her. And, I was grateful, even if it was only a dream. Oh, the glory that will be revealed one day when I’ll never have to wake up from that dream as we laugh with those we love in heaven’s glory.

O.K….now that I got that off my chest…I really do need to pack! We will be visiting hospitals in Columbus today to give them some information about Sufficient Grace. Please pray that God will open doors and that we will find favor and make the appropriate contacts. And, please pray for God’s protection and all the other loose ends as we march forth.

For now, I’m off to get my Women of Faith on!

Love to all…



  1. I loved this! So much…before Matthew died, losing my mom 7 years ago was the most devastating thing that had ever happened to me. We had a good relationship, for the most part, but like you, there were lots of things I think I may have missed out on and in hindsight, knowing how her life was changed forever when my sister was delivered stillborn at 39 weeks, I understand so much more of why. I miss her desperately. We'd have so much to share right now. Sadly…

    I haven't had dreams of Matthew or my mom (maybe 2 of my mom in seven years!) so I am so glad for you that you were given the blessing of some special time with her!!

    Enjoy WOF–going in August in DC and can't wait!

  2. Kelly I love you! This was a beautiful post. I could feel your heart in every word.

    I love my dreams about my granddaughter Anna. The last one was last year. I dreamed I held her in my arms and she kissed my face and I loved it! When I woke up I felt like I had truly been with her. I carried that with me all day…and many days after.

    I shared it with John and he understood my tears as we talked.

    It is hard to let go of our loved ones…but oh so much easier when we know for certain that we will spend eternity in heaven with them.

    Have fun at Women of Faith! Come back all refreshed and renewed.

    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  3. I so agree that we should be loving on the people still with us more! Losing someone you loves teaches that lesson doesn't it?!

  4. I hope you have a wonderful time at the conference! I am praying for baby Sawyer too.

    I can so relate to every word you said about dreams and your mom. That is amazing to have that dream and I truly believe those kind of dreams are gifts from God. That is just awesome!

    I have longed to just be able to talk to my Mom again in a dream. I have had a few of her, but I never really get to talk to her.

  5. Jennifer Ross says:

    Hope you all have a wonderful time Kelly.

  6. What a lovely dream of your mom. I'm glad that you had it. I wish that she could've been here to go with you to the conference. I would've loved to meet her!

  7. Oh, thanks for visiting today. I have not been visiting my blog friends….something about time I guess. I wonder if it is weird how often I think of mom. 6 years seems like a blink of an eye sometimes. I can still hear her and see her smile. I don't dream of her, but that ache is there. I long to see her and hug her. Maybe tonight…..Love you, thanks for the good old cleansing tears….they are falling freely as I type.

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