To the Nurses, the Caregivers…We See

brooklyn footprints

Yesterday on the SGM Facebook page, we shared a blog post from Adventures of a Labor Nurse called, When There’s Nothing to Celebrate. Her words were real and raw and so true in describing what it is like for the caregivers when a baby dies.

Most nurses don’t choose to work in OB to deal with the devastation of death and loss. They were attracted to OB to experience the miracle of life, the sweetness of a newborn baby’s cry, the victory and peace that settles over a mother after a long labor, when her arms are finally full and the pain is forgotten. Death doesn’t belong in the birthing room. Silence so thick you can barely breathe, and pain with no answers…pain that will not be eased with arms filled with new life. That kind of pain, only begins with the labor…the labor is the least of it.

I used to wonder when I was training through Stillbirthday to become an SGM/SBD birth and bereavement doula (a support person for a mother facing the loss of her baby, as well as a support person for birth in any trimester) and when we were building our SGM Perinatal Hospice Birth and Bereavement Services program, how the nurses who had endured and guided families through the agony of grief would respond to us…entering their territory. I wondered if a hospital did embrace our program how they would feel about an outsider in their world. Would they feel as if we are taking away from the work they do….or insinuating we can give something they cannot? Would they resent our presence? Would we get in the way? Would it be difficult to earn their trust?

It hasn’t been that way at all, as far as I’ve seen. Most of the time, we are welcomed with tired and grateful eyes. I’ve walked into hospitals in the wee hours of the night, and held an exhausted nurse, relieved to no longer be in this alone, to finally release the carefully held back tears as I wrapped my arms around her. I’ve answered questions in the hall about what babies typically look like at 15 weeks, and how I can support a mother in grief who has made poor choices in her care and if I wrestle with those situations later. I’ve talked through it with them, listened while their own experiences bubbled to the surface as we walked with the family. I’ve asked for their help in some cases, when my gloves didn’t fit, my ink pad wasn’t working, or when a baby was too fragile to move on my own. God bless the nurse who taught me the tuck and roll maneuver. (I’m sure there’s a much more technical term for it!) We’ve taken turns keeping each other up in the hallway after a 15 hour labor that resulted in miscarriage. I watched several shifts of caring nurses go through that day/night. We measure and weigh babies together, marveling at the intricacies and miracle of life and creation, seen even in the tiniest little ones. In many of the small hospitals we serve, this may be the first time a nurse has encountered loss. It is a rare occurrence in smaller hospitals without NICU and maternal fetal medicine facilities.

Often, we hear from grieving parents about the things done wrong by medical staff and caregivers, the wrong words spoken, a lack of compassion given. Because, in reality, the painful things stand out more in our memories. But, this post is about the nurse in the hallway, searching for anything to ease the pain of a mother who must say goodbye to her precious baby. The nurse with all the questions and sometimes even accusations hurled at her as friends and family try to make sense of the tragedy. The nurse, who sometimes has made every effort alongside the doctor to save a baby who no longer breathes and never will again. The nurse who is glad we are there with clothing to fit a little one, and a fresh set of hands, and the eyes of a mother who has walked through this wilderness more than once, the nurse who walks by while we’re taking pictures to offer a gentle suggestion of another shot we could try…the nurse who will be there to offer her loving, gentle care long after I leave the hospital. She does it all, even while wiping up the blood and recording all the statistics, holding a bed pan as a worn out mother vomits.

The nurses in hospitals we’ve trained, who’ve sighed with relief, saying again and again, “We aren’t alone in this anymore. We don’t have to struggle with a camera to get pictures while also caring for our patients.” The thing is…they had done it, before we came…they had struggled through…because they want to give their patients everything…the best they have to offer. The nurses without bereavement support programs like those offered through Sufficient Grace Ministries, who continue to make time to hold a mother’s hand, to offer reassurance to grandmothers and fathers in the hallway and in the delivery room, even while juggling the demands of other patients. I’ve watched them walk from a celebratory birthing room to a silent one. The wipers of tears, the ones who hold the hair back while a mother vomits, the ones ready with a cool cloth, a cup of water, the steady anchor in the storm. The nurse who snapped a picture during the only moment when my son Thomas opened his eyes, sixteen years ago.

It takes courage to enter into the wilderness with another human being…to not look away…to allow yourself to feel compassion, even when it hurts. Those who can do that, who can offer exceptional care…and find the courage to show the compassion that doesn’t look away, those are the heroes.

We just want you to know…we see. We see you giving beyond what you have left to give…giving even in your own exhausted, broken state. We see you, and we are honored to walk alongside you in the wilderness. We are so grateful for each of you. And, the mothers you serve…even if they never say so…they are grateful as well. Thank you, amazing caregivers.

For more information about brining SGM Perinatal Hospice Birth and Bereavement Services to your hospital, visit this link:
SGM Perinatal Hospice Birth and Bereavement Services Training

For more information about our programs:
SGM Perinatal Hospice Birth and Bereavement Services

To order materials for your bereavement program:
Password for birth professionals ONLY is SGM/SBD (hospital staff, nurses, physicians, doulas, midwives, funeral home directors, etc)
SGM Birth Professionals Dreams of You Shop

Mother of all Mothers Book Review/Giveaway!!

You are the mother of all mothers

CONTEST CLOSED: CONGRATULATIONS TO CECILIA LONG!! Please email your shipping address to sgm dot shipping at gmail dot com

“You were chosen to be your child’s mother. Yes – chosen. And no one could parent your child better in life or in death than you do.” ~ Angela Miller, You are the Mother of all Mothers

I am so honored and excited to review this true work of art from my dear friend and fellow mama touched by grief and loss, the beautiful and talented, Angela Miller. This gorgeous, real, raw work of art that speaks to the core of a bereaved mother’s heart with love, truth, encouragement, and validation. Gorgeous art from thee Franchesca Cox, and amazing words from thee Angela from A Bed For My Heart .

I need to say something. I am a writer. I don’t take words lightly, and I’m quite particular about the use of words as I believe they are a form of art. Words that speak to your soul…words that give the nagging ache or the gaping wound a name…those kinds of words are my therapy. They always have been. I can barely process a feeling without putting the right word to the experience. It relieves me, the release. Words are healing and powerful, just as they can be damaging and destructive.

So, when Angela’s words began to woo me, something resonated in my weary depths. Yes. Speak it, sister…write it. Give this gift to the world around you. Watching her find the words…name the twisted agony of a grieving mother’s heart. Watching her process, pour out, filter through, and just say it…set a piece of me free.

I have begun to fall in love with Angela’s heart as she posts her piercing words from time to time, upon lovely graphics on the A Bed for My Heart Facebook.

I had not taken the time to read her gorgeous essay first published on Still Standing Magazine. The one that resonated as a communal outcry of validation from mothers worldwide, speaking truth into their darkness. Literal beauty rising from the ashes, before our eyes. Women looking through their tears on the computer screen, somehow less alone, if only for a moment, because someone…someone spoke the very words that counteracted the accusing lies in her face, rolling unworthiness and defeat around in her tattered, grief stricken mind, choking away the life. And, someone…someone knows. Someone speaking truth and hope, even while she sits in the pits of moments of her own utter despair.

She speaks truth to dispel the shame and excruciating guilt that cloaks a grieving mother. And, the judgment that often follows…

So wash your hands of any naysayers, betrayers, or those who sprinted in other direction when you needed them most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn’t do. Anyone whose words or looks have implied this was somehow your fault.” ~ You are the Mother of all Mothers, Angela Miller

She speaks aloud of the what ifs, the shoulda, couldas and if onlys that plague a grieving mother. She speaks against the lies that say, you failed as a mother. Because speaking it, naming it takes away its power.

Her words remind you, mama, clinging to the last thread of hope in the midst of a whole lot of broken…that “you were chosen to be your child’s mother”. Chosen. And, no one is more suited for the role than you…even in loss.

She speaks hope in the midst of grief. And, in reading her words…her gorgeous, hope-filled, truth-talking words, I find a kindred spirit. And, I believe you will too.

Because we want to share this gorgeous gift, we are giving away a copy of Angela’s book, You are the Mother of all Mothers here on this post!!! To enter, please comment about an aspect of grieving the loss of your baby where you could use some hope…something that was/is a struggle for you, or speak some words of your own hope that you wish to share, born from your journey. For extra entries share on Facebook or Twitter. And, please leave a separate comment for each entry to make counting easier.

If you don’t win…or you don’t want to wait, you can purchase this beautiful book here:


The Wounding Human Beings Inflict…and What to Do With all the Broken

We who wander on planet earth have all been wounded at some point by another human being. The deepest cuts, the ones that take the longest to heal, are from those we love. We all wound one another at some point. With our words, our actions, our indifference. We all take the sacred gift one [...]

[Continue reading...]

Why Can’t You Just Get Past It?

“I don’t understand mothers who lose a child. Why can’t you just get past it?” People have whispered these words about me in conversation, especially in the early days after losing our babies, measuring grief “performance” by how much I spoke of my children or how easily tears came, or whether or not I was [...]

[Continue reading...]

Finding Purpose in the Pain


I have walked with thousands of mothers over the course of the last decade. Mothers who have said goodbye to their sweet babies, who often, after the initial shock and devastation of grief, find themselves longing to mother…to birth something beautiful from the pain, to find the purpose in her child’s life…and through her loss. [...]

[Continue reading...]

Operation Support Sufficient Grace 2014

in memory3_edited

Some beautiful, amazing support has been displayed during Operation Support Sufficient Grace 2014. Our last big fundraiser of this season is coming up, and we would love to see the outpouring of support continue for this organization. We do not take government grants or support, so our donations come mainly from individuals and some private [...]

[Continue reading...]

Grace Rebel

grace rebel

I’m wondering how to speak these words tumbling and churning inside, begging for release. The trouble is, the conveying…the truly nailing it on the head with explanation. Lately, I’m feeling rebellious. And, by lately, I mean for several years now. These molds we try to force ourselves into. They aren’t fitting. Just like when we [...]

[Continue reading...]

A Grace Rebel’s Mother’s Day Survival List for Grieving Hearts

I’ve said it many times before, that expectations may be listed right up there with money as the “root of all evil”. Expectations, like those we have on “special days” set aside to honor us…birthdays, Mother’s Day…or holidays that really weren’t ever meant to honor us, but we’ve somehow claimed with our expectations…like Christmas and [...]

[Continue reading...]

What I Wish People Understood About Perinatal Hospice

We hear the words hospice, and often think, “the end” or “giving up”. The opposite is actually true. Hospice can be empowering and freeing, bringing comfort and even hope. It isn’t just about the end of life on this earth. It is about living every last moment, the way you choose. In the case of [...]

[Continue reading...]

Let it Go

Can’t sleep. In the wee hours of this morning, the words are begging for release. So, here I am. Last night, I watched the Disney movie, Frozen. Several parts spoke to me in the deep recesses of my heart, the places most often tucked safely away. When Elsa sings the words from “Let it Go”… [...]

[Continue reading...]